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No Light

So let’s just assume you have a life. It may be a nicely planned one – you know, the usual stuff… marriage, kids, a house, a car, friends to hang out with, financial independence… Let’s say you’re on the right path and you feel like the luckiest person in the world. Life is beautiful and people are great!

And then things start changing. Nothing major, just a small failure that brings you down a bit, but not too much, cause everyone has some bad moments every now and then. After all, you’re strong, you’ll make it work! And then it happens again, probably on a different level. Still, it must be just a phase you’re going through. You think it will be over soon, you think you can fight this and the sun will shine again. But then another thing messes up your ‘plan’, and another one, and another one. Yet you don’t give up, cause you’re an optimistic sucker. Slowly failure becomes an everyday presence.  All of a sudden, the luckiest person in the world starts failing on every level. So you try to hang on to those things you were best at. Or thought you were best at… only to realize you are no longer good at anything. It all gets taken away from you, piece by piece.

Out of the blue (well, not really… in happened in time), you get to the point where you have nobody to turn to – nobody to talk to, nobody who would listen, nobody who would support you or offer advice when you need it, nobody who cares. You’re pretty much alone. People you thought would be there for you are not. You find yourself alone, struggling to find a way out. But you can’t. Care to guess why? Cause there’s no way out really. You’re there to stay. No point in fighting. No energy for that either. You spent it all hoping for better days. Lying to yourself it would get better. Building the image of a person who is happy and has no problems when in fact you are at the end of all strength.

And then there is that final drop. The one that pushes you over the edge. It can be as little as a simple conversation or somebody who asked you to repeat something because they could not hear you. It doesn’t even matter what the trigger is. You just collapse. Everything you believed in is long gone. There’s nothing and no one to keep you from drowning. There is no light at the end of the tunnel because there is no tunnel.

It is a hole and you are just digging deeper …

Letting go

There are people you simply want in your life. You can’t figure out the reason, you just feel you need them around. You do your best to keep them close, to keep them happy so that they don’t leave. You go out of your way with small or big things, just because! You invest a lot of time and energy without ever being sure you’re on the right path, without knowing if you’re winning them over or slowly losing them.

And then, at some point in time, you realise you can only do that much. When you’re left with no energy and no desire to go on, you realise it takes two to make a friendship work. You realise that wanting something really hard and making all the efforts from your side is just not enough. It takes two.

A friendship cannot be fueled by one. So, when you’re empty, lost, tired and dissappointed, you let go…

You can’t force someone to be in your life just because you feel they belong there. At some point you just have to let them go and see if they ever find their way back to you…

I hope they do.

Too Busy

I’m a busy person. It’s a known fact, nobody has doubts about it. I never have time for small things. I’m always:

– too busy to smile to a stranger,

– too busy to take out the garbage,

– too busy to play with my children,

– too busy to learn a foreign language,

– too busy to iron my clothes,

– too busy to have lunch, or dinner, or breakfast,

– too busy to go shopping,

– too busy to cook,

– too busy to buy flowers,

– too busy to tell a joke,

– too busy to call my parents,

– too busy to be amazed,

– too busy to see a movie,

– too busy to relax on the beach,

– too busy to learn a poem,

– too busy to meet new people,

– too busy to meet old people,

– too busy to play with my dog,

– too busy to water my plants,

– too busy to write a post,

– too busy to say ‘hello’,

– too busy to reply to emails,

– too busy to sleep,

– too busy to care,

– too busy to be friendly,

– too busy to say ‘happy birthday’,

– too busy to see the doctor,

– too busy to run,

– too busy to dance,

– too busy to sing,

– too busy to know what I really like and who I am…

I suddenly open my eyes in panic. I don’t know where I am for a moment. Then I remember: I am on the porch, I fell asleep. I’m 78, I’m too busy to waste time! I have to go to… but… oh… what’s that light over there?

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